Words of Wisdom to my Younger Self
Have you ever thought about what you would say to your younger self? Think back to points of time in your life. There might be something specific you would want to say at special moment in time, or general tidbits of wisdom that you would hope to guide your path.
As a person who overthinks most things in life, I would take the opportunity to encourage myself to live and trust that things will be OK. Perhaps you might warn yourself about a person, a situation, or a place. Would you attempt to change your past, or simply provide perspective on what is to come?
I read a post this week that got me thinking about what a gift it would be to have the opportunity to speak some wisdom into my younger self. In this post, I will share some of what came to my mind. Let me know in the comments if you can relate.
Control is an illusion
One of the most important things I could ever share with younger me is that any notion of myself having control is only an illusion. There are so many times in life that I needed to understand that. Control was often the answer to my fears and doubts.
If I could control it, then surely there was no need to be concerned about it. Control seemed certain to lead to things working out just as I planned. Let me share one example of how this played out in my early life.
When my children were young, I had an unhealthy fear of them being in danger. The world is truly a more dangerous place than when I was a child, but my fear was not rational. My children rarely were allowed outside of my yard.
The idea was that my children would be safer if I controlled the environment, the relationships, and all circumstances of their lives. I will not argue that a parent should protect their children, or have say in who they hang out with, especially early in childhood. However, there will come a day when you cannot construct their reality and you realize that you were disillusioned all along to believe you could protect them.
Even if you keep your children in a box, you cannot guarantee their safety. You cannot construct an environment that will keep out cancer or mental health issues. If anything, you are only contributing to potential mental health issues of your children such as anxiety or depression.
Love your children. Set up rational measures to protect them, but recognize your limitations. There is a difference between protecting and hiding something away. Your children need to live life and have experiences that will develop them and help them grow.
Meekness over might
Life with a young family is chaotic. That is an understatement. Anyone who has survived raising children should really get a medal.
The messes (good grief there will be messes), the noise (especially when daughters have friends over to spend the night), and the schedules will create tension. Parents will be frustrated with kids, and kids will be frustrated with the parents.
Younger me had some real anger issues, so I yelled a lot. After I went on a tirade with my face turning red and foam collecting around my mouth, I would look up and see my wife reminding me to be gentle and use a soft voice. Most times that would just make me more angry.
One truth I am learning as I mature is that I can accomplish much more with influence than I ever could through authority. Have you ever heard a parent in the grocery store yelling the following to her children? “I am your mother!”
I always laughed when I heard that because I wanted to say, “It doesn’t look that way!” If you are having to tell them about your authority, they clearly do not recognize it. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place to remind your children of your authority. You should exercise it when it is called for.
There will come a day when you are no longer the authority in your child’s life. You will become, at best, influential. If you are not careful in how you exercise your authority over them, they may not value your thoughts at all.
I would tell my younger self to take a deep breath and collect himself before reacting to situations. Be intentional with every word you speak to your child. Speak to them in love, even when angry.
You will never have “enough”
Part of the stress in your earlier married years comes from finances. At least, that is true for those of us who were not independently wealthy. We had to make ends meet and feed a lot of hungry mouths.
One thing I wish I could go back and tell myself early in life is not to believe the lie that just a little more money would make me happy. I remember thinking how much better life would be if I could just cover my bills with a little headroom. My checks barely covered our needs.
This desire to be comfortable financially, eventually led me to believe that there was a number which could satisfy the need. At first, it was $20K a year. Later, it was $40K. The more I made, the more I needed to make to be comfortable.
My younger self had no concept of contentment. I was never going to make enough, or have enough, until what I had was enough. This is something I still deal with today.
If any of us were to pause and step back for a fresh look at our lives, we would see just how much we have been blessed. This is especially true for those of us who live in America. Even people who live on the streets have it better in America than other countries.
I woke up this morning. Maybe I should be grateful that I get to spend another day with my wife and kids. Is that not worth more than any salary?
We have a house, clothes to wear, and multiple vehicles. There is actually money in my bank account today that does not have to be spent today for our needs to be met. That is something to appreciate.
My younger self would never comprehend some of the benefits that came out of those tough financial times. The times our money was the tightest, our family tended to be the closest. I would hope to convince younger me to find contentment and look for the good in the hard times.
A great wife is priceless
If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t tell my wife anything. She already knew it all. She wouldn’t listen to me anyway. But I would tell myself to look at her differently.
I would tell myself that this young girl would become one of the strongest women I know. Younger me would need to hear about how she would lose her father as a young woman, and then lose her mom and brother simultaneously around 10 years later. She would bravely stand by her sister-in-law through a trial to see the man who killed her brother sent to prison.
I would share how she would still be the one who bent over backwards to make every holiday special for the family, even when she had lost so many of the people who made it special for her. She cares ferociously about the people she loves. And I would tell myself that after almost 30 years, she still loves me.
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. - Winston Churchill
The greatest thing I could tell my younger self about my wife is that she was worth it. Every disagreement, argument, and adjustment was worth it. One day you will laugh about some of your biggest fights, and the events that led to them.
She is having to accept my habits as I am accepting hers. There will come a time when the things that irritate you the most about her become the things that draw you to her. When you see her in your children, you will be thankful her traits carried on to them.
God has been faithful
Chief among the things I would share with my younger self is that my faith will become increasingly more important to me as I age. There would be many occasions where I would doubt the ability of God to come through for me or people I cared about. There will be times where I disagreed wholeheartedly with things He allowed to occur in my life and around me.
There would hopefully be time enough to tell of the ways God came through when we needed Him most. For instance, the time when Luke developed acute case of immune thrombocytopenia purpura (ITP). It was by the grace of God we noticed bruising literally all over his body. He could have bled internally until he died had we not detected it.
In 2007, during our stay in the hospital following the birth of our son, Aaron, we learned from medical tests that he was born with a rare heart defect. Aaron had transposition of the great arteries (TGA). This defect required him to have open-heart surgery at 3 days old.
If I had the chance to go back in time and sit on the bed next to younger me and my wife, I would let them know that everything was going to be fine tomorrow. That the waiting room an hour from our house would be flooded with family and friends to support us. And that Aaron would not only heal up well, but blow doctors’ minds for years to come.
I will have to take time at a later date to go into these two episodes. There is so much to unpack that a few paragraphs do not do it justice. Suffice to say that we have been through some tough times, but God has always brought us through.
Conclusion
Self, you are going to be fine. Actually, you are going to be much more than fine. Your life will be full of laughter, joy, smiles, love, kisses, hugs, successes, and every good thing imaginable.
To get to where I am today, you have many difficult twists and turns ahead. Stay the course. The end is worth it all.
Get serious about your faith, because that will be tested on numerous occasions. If you love someone, tell them while they are here to hear it. Prepare yourself for tears, sweat, anguish, anxiety, doubts, fears, and questions. Because you will walk through some dark days that hope will carry you through.
Live every moment to its fullest. Stay a little longer. Breathe more deeply. Take time to savor every bite and every experience.
I wonder what you might tell your younger self if given the chance. It’s a silly thought, because it isn’t possible. However, if you give it some thought, you might learn a few things about yourself in the process.
