Raising Kids: Life on a Rollercoaster
Buckle Up, Buttercup!
“We never know the love of a parent until we become one ourselves” — Henry Ward Beecher
Everywhere you look, you will see advice on how to raise your children. Society has a plan. The church has a plan. Your friends, yes, you can rest assured they have ideas on how you should raise your children.
The advice we receive from these sources can be worthless or priceless. Where you tune your attention could mean a great deal of pain or success. However, this post is not focused on the source of parenting advice. I intend to provide you a roadmap for dealing with the ups and downs of the execution. How to remain on the rollercoaster, if you will.
For those of you who are new to parenting or soon to experience the joys, it is imperative that you understand what lies before you. There is no escaping the turbulence ahead. Parenting is a roller coaster thrill ride of rises and falls. There will be times of immense joy and celebration but also severe heartbreak and pain.
You will find yourself at your wits end mere moments from laughter and joy. What I am describing may sound like your worst nightmare, and yet, you just may find it to be the most rewarding and fulfilling aspect of your entire life. What you truly need as you board this ride is some perspective.
My goal is to provide you with some of that perspective in this post. The idea is to level-set your expectations and share some nuggets that I have learned along the way. We are all students when it comes to raising children. Those who claim to know it all are naive.
All Parents have regrets
Show me a parent who claims to have no regrets, and I will show you either a liar or someone with zero self-awareness. In all my life, I have yet to meet a single parent who had no regrets. It simply is not possible to make every perfect choice over the course of raising children. Parents are not perfect.
I don’t remember my mom or dad opening up about their regrets during my childhood. Honestly, as a child, I would probably not have taken notice if they did. The notion would have made no real sense to me at the time. I had no perspective or comprehension of parenting at the time.
Now that I am an adult and parent of multiple children, I have heard my parents share regrets of decisions made in the past. Sometimes they refer to decisions, disciplinary actions, or their own behavior. Each of them recognize points of failure along the way.
What I have found most interesting is that the very moments they deem failures are often some of the happiest moments of my childhood. Maybe they wished they could have provided something material when I was young, such as better financial standing. The truth is that those times when money were the times when we pulled closest.
It is not wrong to have regrets. Frankly, I think it is healthy to look back and assess our decisions and motives. When we obsess over past failure, we stumble and we take our eye off the ball in play. Note the failures and look for ways to do better in the future. That is the key to making the best from the worst.
Parenting is a Team Sport
It goes without saying that not all children have two parents. Some children have more than two, depending on the situation. How single parents thrive or survive child-rearing, I have no idea. Single parents are like superheroes.
Frankly, I don’t have much to say about parenting a child alone, because I have never done it. I cannot imagine doing it. This section does not apply for those parenting alone. It applies whenever there is more than one parent in the picture for whatever reason.
Whether you are the typical parental duo, or separated and living in different cities, a child with more than a single parent needs to see a united front. I chose those words carefully. You will sometimes feel as if you are on the battlefield. Your children should see you operating together in an efficient manner.
Every decision should be presented and supported by the other parent. If you disagree, do it in private. There are actually some good reasons for this suggestion.
When children see parents who are on the same page, they tend to feel more secure. Division in the home creates insecurity. Imagine a child’s concern when the two people they trust the most in life do not agree on major issues.
There is nothing wrong with sitting your child down and explaining how you came to your mutual decision. They could learn a lot from the openness of their parents sharing how they wrangled two opinions into a decisive solution. Don’t leave one parent out to dry. When a decision is reached, share the decision and the consequences.
No Two Children are Alike
You might be surprised to learn that each child will respond differently to discipline, affection, and routine. No two children are alike, so you must always consider their individuality when making decisions or interacting with them. Even identical twins are not the same person.
I remember my early days of parenting. There was a real need for some structure. It only made sense that I could define a rule and a set of consequences for either obeying or disobeying. If any child in the home chooses to disobey, they get the same discipline.
I soon learned that a stern word sufficed to break the will of some stubborn children, while others required more. You might have a very tender-hearted child, or someone who receives love best through words of affirmation. Simply saying you are disappointed could make them feel deeply cut.
Keep in mind that there are times when a child needs to have their attention seized and learning that there is a sting to consequences is a good thing. You must be attuned to the nature and personality of your child. Your awareness will assist you in determining how much pressure needs to be applied to ensure they both feel loved and learn acceptable behaviors.
Do not assume that a punishment which seemed successful with one child will work with another. Take all disciplinary action with love for your child in mind. We teach our children right because we love them. Never let that slip your mind in the heat of the moment.
Past Performance
SEC rule 156
You might be wondering why I am bringing up the Securities and Exchange Commission. What does that have to do with parenting children? More than you realize, I am sure.
The SEC has a rule that you might be familiar with. It requires administrators of mutual funds to ensure that investors know “past performance is no guarantee of future returns”. In other words, just because someone else made some money with this investment does not guarantee that you will.
The same is true with parenting children. Even as you read my advice in this post, you should understand that what has worked for me might not work for you. Your situation might be different.
You are not me. Your child is not my child. Our homes are not the same, nor are our histories.
You and your family are unique. Experimentation is good. Listen to sound advice and apply it to see if it works for you and your children, but do not be surprised when another parent’s practice flops in your home.
Accept the fact that there is no perfect methodology or practice. The best thing you can do for your children is to love them. If you love them, you will exercise patience as you iterate through ideas until you discover what works best for you.
Pride
Consider also the idea of pride in your parenting. You could easily fall into a trap where you think you have it all figured out. That is a dangerous place to find yourself.
I have always been a judgemental person. My opinions of others are sometimes harsh and critical. There have been so many times when I looked at the situation in someone else’s home and felt prideful. Look how well my little ducklings have done.
Raising teenagers changed my outlook completely. Raising young adults and providing guidance to my adult children is opening my mind even more. I should have been dishing out grace to others over the years. Some of them deserve merit badges for what they have been through.
There are invisible scars from difficulties my wife and I have experienced as parents that no one can see. Do not be too quick to judge others. You might find yourself in a situation one day that shows you are not quite up to the mark you set for yourself, let alone others.
Conclusion
“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.” — Anne Frank
In the end, it is critical for parents to remember that they are stewards of their children. One day, those little birds will leave the nest. You will not be there to help them make decisions and protect them. They will move through their life with the values and lessons you taught them.
Sometimes you will be elated and proud. Other times, you will be disappointed in their choices. You are not building marionettes, you are raising children. As they transition into adulthood, they will become more and more responsible for themselves.
Celebrate Success
Enjoy the fruits of your labor. Smile when your children make you proud. Let them know how much you appreciate them.
Spend time with those little rascals because you will not regret the time you spend with them. You will most certainly regret the time you do not spend in their presence. They are only in your home for a short time.
Be proud but humble also. Be grateful for a partner who invested in you. If you are a single parent, know that you are a superhero. No one will ever know how much sacrifice went into the lives of your children.
Learn From Failure
When you fail, learn from the failures. Do not dwell on past mistakes. Every successful person fails.
As a matter of fact, I do not believe one can become successful without some measure of failure. If success was easy, everyone would be doing it. Dedicate yourself to loving your children and you will find that they are very forgiving.
My mother once told me that she loves this period of life with adult children. The relationship has shifted and is something entirely new. She has grandkids to enjoy and a new dynamic to the bond with her children. This is something I look forward to as we pass into a new period of life with our children.
