My Little Girl Got Married
Words for my son-in-law
I wanted to share some thoughts about my daughter’s wedding and give some words of wisdom to my son-in-law.
My little girl married her new husband last weekend. It was a lovely ceremony with family and friends, and the venue was beautiful. We could not have asked for better weather. The whole event was a smashing success.
It has taken me almost the entire week to accept the reality of my daughter being married. Every now and then, I remember I have a child with a husband and new last name. The idea is still so fresh to me, but my mom is already signaling her desire for grand babies.
Someone asked me at the ceremony if I was going to cry. I quickly answered, “no.” I am not going to lie and say that I don’t cry. However, I am not one who cries over happy things. And this day was a joyous occasion.
There was nothing for me to cry about. My daughter found a great young man who loves her deeply, and she loves him. It is such a blessing to know that she is happy, loved, and taken care of.
I was looking back through some old photos and it got me thinking of my little girl and stages of life. There are lessons that each of those photos reminded me of. In this post, I am going to share those thoughts with you, and I am going to ask my son-in-law to consider how they apply to the stages of life that he will share with my little girl going forward.
Riding the vacuum
No one other than my wife will probably believe how happy this activity used to be for my daughter, Eden. Whenever we used the vacuum, she would want to stand on it, and hold on to the bag. Yes, we had a vacuum that used bags instead of a canister.
She would laugh and smile as we went back and forth across the floor. It was such a simple activity, but it brought so much joy to her. The laughter was contagious. It reminded me of a couple of important facts.
First, not every fun activity in life is expensive. At least, not in financial terms. Some things cost time and focus. There are often times in the beginning of a marriage where money is tight. You can always find something fun to do together. It is hard to imagine at the time, but one day you will look back fondly at the times when money was tight. Those are often the times you will find you were closest to one another.
The other important thing to remember is that you can get stuff done, and still spend time with someone you love. When we used to pull out the vacuum, it wasn’t so we could give our daughter a ride. We had cleaning to do. We killed two birds with one stone.
To my son-in-law: Always do your part to keep a smile on my daughter’s face. Find ways to make her happy, even when you are busy and life is crazy. Look for creative ways to keep her smiling.
The upside down room
When Eden was very young, we had a friend come over and paint an outdoor scene across her walls. A tree was painted in the corner, and my wife attached leaves to the wall and ceiling to make the tree feel more realistic. We parked the car bed right underneath that tree.
We never discovered whether the tree had something to do with it or not, but my daughter started having issues falling asleep. Many nights I would stay back in her bedroom after we tucked her in to sleep. I would lay in the floor next to her bed (because I was too big to fit in it with her) and either hold her hand or lay my hand on her chest so she knew I was there.
After what seemed like hours, I would slowly try to pull my hand away and get up. She would spring up and look over the edge of the bed at me and tell me that she was still awake. I would attempt my escape a couple of times before I was successful each night.
Eden is an adult now, but she still has fears. There are things in life that can overwhelm her, or cause her distress. I haven’t tucked her into bed for quite some time now, or held her during a storm. That doesn’t mean that she doesn't need someone in her life who makes her feel safe.
To my son-in-law: Do whatever it takes to be her safe place. Through all the twists and turns of your married life, let her know you will always be there to protect her. One day her mom and dad will be out of reach, and she will need to know she still has someone who is close to her when needed.
Inspire her to be better
My wife and I often look at the relationships of people around us, including the relationships in our children’s lives. We question whether the relationship is healthy by a number of factors. One of the most important questions we ask is if each person makes the other person better.
We have seen family and friends whose spouses enable bad behaviors. In a healthy relationship, one person pushes another to be better than they are today. Perhaps they bring out something in the other person that was missing or hidden.
When I found this old picture of Eden riding her bike, I was reminded that we all need people who push us to be more than we are today. What if we had never encouraged Eden to ride without training wheels? It was scary for her to try and learn to balance a bicycle without training wheels. She might have felt at times that we were not worried about her safety.
We were always there when she looked back. Over time, she learned that we were not trying to scare her, but we were trying to help her grow. We all need to experience this uncomfortable feeling as we are pushed outside of our boundaries.
This growth usually happens best when there is trust. If we do not trust those who are pushing us, we will fear failure. However, if we trust the people who encourage us to grow, we know that even if we fall, we will be caught and we will be able to try again.
To my son-in-law: We are so glad that Eden found someone who not only brings out the best in who she is, but also pushes her to be more. Establish that trust with her that allows her to expand her horizons without fear of failure. When she looks back for you in need of support, always be there for her.
Conclusion
I am excited for my daughter and her husband. There are parts of me that miss those early days as you learn to navigate the world as a married couple. Marriage really is a blessing if you allow it to be.
There are some important lessons that I wish I had learned early in my marriage that I would like to share as I wrap up this post. There is a lot of wisdom in these words.
Lesson #1 - Never go to bed angry
Do your best to resolve anger with your spouse before you go to sleep. If you both aim for this goal, it will be easier than you might think. There are some things that are too complicated to solve before bed, but do everything in your power to reach a resolution and you will be much happier in your marriage.
Lesson #2 - Never talk negatively about your spouse to/with anyone…EVER
I never liked being around people who talked negatively about their wife to others. This is common in the work environment or while hanging out with friends. When people ask me about my wife, I think of something positive to say. Joining in on these types of conversations plants seeds of frustration in your own heart that will eventually sprout.
Lesson #3 - Marriage is not 50/50
You will hear people say that marriage is 50/50. That is probably why so many marriages fail. I understand what people mean. The idea is that we each do our part to make it work.
There will be days when one person is giving 40% while the other is giving a solid 60%. Then other days where one is giving 100% and it feels like the other is absent. Control what you can control. Focus on giving your best. Spend more of your time looking to fill their needs and they will likely do the same.
